Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
