I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
