Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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