we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
