just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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