i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
