I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
God I need to hump something, right now.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
