theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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