You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
