DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
