i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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