saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
