yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
false alarm, still single
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