I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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