my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
