is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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