thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
