Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
