My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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