My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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