I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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