So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
