If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
