I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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