i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
