you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
