Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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