So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
