I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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