so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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