I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
