So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
