I can text with my tongue
I cut my penus on the lid.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
