Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
