1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
