So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
