Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
