This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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