Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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