I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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