dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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