Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
