i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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