Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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