That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I think i got beer on your cat.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
