I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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