I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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