Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
