Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
