He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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