a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
