It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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