note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
